One would have to be living in the outback not to have noticed the flurry of policy and politics surrounding all things women’s health. The Guttmacher Institute reports that there have been over 1100 provisions introduced and 135 laws passed at the state level, this year alone. This is compared to 32 in 2005 and fewer than 20 in 1985.
Not to be outdone by the locals, the US House of Representatives has spent a whopping 38 of the 46 weeks (from January 2011 through July 2012) in session gesticulating about women’s health, at a cost of approximately $249.6 million dollars. So much for reducing government or governmental waste.
The Great Uterine Threat
And it is not the health of the woman per se that is of such great concern to these fine, older men. No, these paramounts of paramour don’t care much about a woman’s heart, lungs, kidneys, liver or even really that other female touchstone, the breasts, no sir. All they care about is her uterus. I would venture a guess that no other human organ faces as much regulatory devotion as the uterus.
This irrepressible and dangerous internal human organ of approximately the size of a fist has 100s of laws associated with it. Indeed the female uterus might be more regulated than guns, toxic waste, food safety and probably even taxes combined. At least with taxes and toxic waste there are loopholes to avoid regulation, not so for the formidable uterine threat.
The Secret Juices of the Omnipotent Uterus
Why has the female uterus spurned such consternation from our nation’s mostly-male leaders? Aside from the obvious as a repository of male fantasy, the demon uterus has the power to induce fear and loathing, especially now that we understand that it can think itself pregnant or not pregnant by emitting its super-secret, all powerful, anti-pregnancy juices. That power must be contained at all costs. Indeed, for such an overt and dangerous threat $249 million is just the beginning. We must spend more money and more time battling the omnipotent uterus.
Let’s Regulate Thoughts Too
But I must say Senator Akin, you have it all wrong. You must regulate a woman’s thoughts too and not just her uterus. Because if you do not and more women learn about the true power that they wield, there would be no more unwanted pregnancies, no need for birth control or abortion, no need for fertility treatment –entire industries would collapse and your PAC money would disappear. If more women knew about those secret juices that we control – entire nations built upon male hegemony- would crumble. I bet once we master the ability to think ourselves pregnant or not, it’s only a matter of time that we learn how to master having only female children or progressive males. Just think how we might trim the gene pool once we learn to control our untamed uterine powers. And then Senator Akin, what will you and the other beacons of reproductive wisdom have left to regulate?
