I was not diagnosed with Endometriosis until four years after the birth of my daughter. The pain of endo plus postpartum depression was hell mentally and physically. And did I mention, I was a single mother as well.
When my daughter was born I felt no attachment to her whatsoever, no love, nothing. I felt like she wasn’t even mine. I was depressed; I was in pain from the delivery and emotionally was not available to my daughter. I was also having trouble breastfeeding and after 2 weeks, I gave up. The first week after delivery was especially difficult. I was dealing with the pain of childbirth as well as trying to treat a yeast infection that I had during delivery. Every time I stood up I had severe vaginal pain and this lasted a year after the birth of my child.
My daughter cried from the day I took her home. She was a very fussy baby, only would sleep if I held her. I tried the ‘cry it out method’ and that didn’t work. She wouldn’t drink her formula and up until she was 9 months she drank only 4 ounces 3 times a day.
By the time she was 9 months she started walking. She would get frustrated and wanted to be held, then let down, wouldn’t go in a stroller, would throw herself back if you were holding her, she would cry and cry and cry. Nothing at all I could do could console her. I tried everything. By the time she was one she started to slam her head on the ground out of frustration and that just stressed me out more. She was never on the charts for weight or height but she was very intelligent and met all other milestones and still does.
I would get so frustrated I would put her on the bed and let her scream because I just wanted to throw her. I couldn’t understand why I had these feelings. They were so strong. I thank God at that time I was living with a family and the husband would take her from 4-11pm when she would just scream bloody murder. I felt like such a bad mother and I really started to resent her being born. I felt angry at her father. I was so tired and my head just didn’t feel right mentally.
I remember having a dream that she was hanging outside the window and she was screaming for me to help, but I just looked at her and I let her fall. When I realized what I had done I ran downstairs to see if she was okay. She was, but she looked at me as if I had betrayed her. Even though it was a dream, in a way I had betrayed her. I wished that she wasn’t born. I felt she ruined my life and was bringing me down into a further depression I just couldn’t get out of.
I went to the doctors told him I must have postpartum depression (PPD) and he told me no that I didn’t. I talked to my mother and said the same thing and she said “I had three children and I didn’t have it and so you can’t have it.” You have to remember I was on my own at this time and everyone was telling me I was fine.
One day I was watching a TV program on PPD when my daughter was three years old. I knew I had PPD. So, I walked myself right into the Emergency room at the hospital and told them that I think I had it. I would never harm my child, I just had thoughts. The doctor gave me sleeping pills and sent me on my way.
I would become so frustrated at my daughter I would scream in her face and tell her to stop crying. Then I would cry because what type of mother does that? One night I felt like there were demons on my room and I was petrified.
Mentally, I was falling apart. I was nauseated, tired, irritated, angry, I had severe acne everywhere, my back, chest, face and neck and in pain in my pelvic area and bowels. To be honest I was just down right out of my mind when I finally went to the doctors again. I was sent to get an ultrasound done and that is when they found the cyst. I went to my gyno and she wanted to put me on Lupron. I refused, as I did my research about the side-effects. However, I did go on the birth control continuously to see if that would shrink the cyst.
Within one week something happened. It was like a light went on. I never felt so great in my life. The acne started to clear up, I wasn’t angry and my mind was so clear that I couldn’t believe it. That is when I feel like my life changed. I realized that my entire life I had had something wrong with me hormonally but that it was pushed aside by doctors. They just kept telling me I was depressed.
I am so glad that I am not like that anymore, but I feel like I damaged my daughter mentally during that period of my life. She suffers from anxiety now. I really feel it was because of what I was going through.
After having my end treated with multiple surgeries, I feel better, but not great (read my story here, here or here). I suffer from debilitating fatigue and I think that is the worst when it comes to wanting to do things with my child. When I wake up I feel like a truck hit me and I get a little crusty with my daughter because of it. I know she can’t understand what I am going through and even if I try to explain to her. I don’t think I will ever get back the first five years of my daughter’s life. I feel like it has been a blur. It is like I don’t remember even being there during that time.
My daughter is very compassionate and understands that I have Endometriosis but it still doesn’t help when I have symptoms that affect her. And that makes me really sad.
Is there anyone else out there that had endo and then postpartum depression?
this is literally my story, except that my husband left us when I was preg with child #3, so I am now a single mom to a 9,8 and 3 year old.
I was just in the ER yesterday for pelvic pain and told I have cysts but then sent on my way without help.
Not trying to sell yoga therapy as a panacea or even as a resource that will work with all endometriosis sufferers but certainly it’s a way of alleviating symptoms and also of seeking to find balance in the subtle orchestration of endocrine glands and nervous system, so worth trying! Our Well Woman Yoga circles offers safe havens where women can relax, focus and also talk.
Thanks I have asked to be tested for those exact tests my GP refuses to send me. Would only test for Hashimotos and TSH.. Its very very frustrating. In Canada I need a referral or I can’t go period.
Angela,
Krissy is right about the thyroid tests that are needed in order to properly diagnose thyroid disease AND levels for free T3 and free T4 should be in the upper part of the range and in a similar place for both.
For more information on thyroid disease check out Mary Shomon on about.com:Thyroid Disease! Lots of information and support. AND endocrinologists are not always the best for thyroid disease — both of the ones that I saw here were totally USELESS!! Sometimes a functional medicine doctor will be helpful.
Hi Krissy thank you for responding.
I have indeed had my thyroid tested, AM cortisol, and thyroid antibodies. All came back negative.
My TSH the first time was 5.32 which is very high and should be under 3 at least to Canadian standards but I was also coming off of Cymbalta at the time with really bad vertigo and nausea. I retested a month later off the pill as well and it was 2.25 or something like that, but I felt normal. That is why she ran the antibodies test.
I am not okay when I come off the pill and I have pushed my GP to send me to an Endocrinologist but she is resisting me and I know I need those tests done as I have thyroid issues within my immediate family as well as extended family.
I am not sure if I was estrogen dominant or not at the time but my endo was the worst at that time so it is a possibility. The one thing I can say for sure is progesterone really does a number on me so I am wonder if that is the problem. I just need to find a doctor to take me seriously and after going to over 40+ doctors over 15-20yrs I just am tired of the fight. So what I end up doing is getting to the end of my rope and trying again. I have so many other issues with health going on and I use all my vacation days just to go to these appointments only to be treated like crap I just want to stop. You know what I mean?
Thank you for your comment on being so real. I remember telling a friend of mine around that time that I had feelings of throwing my daughter across the room and she looked at me in disgust and I really felt worse by her response because I felt like such a bad person but I couldn’t control anything at that time and still cant. My hormones fluctuate like crazy and the Endo does not help it.
The reason I wanted to share my story was so that other women could understand that you’re not a bad parent having these thoughts and that you should get help before it gets worse.
Again thank you for your response I will push more with my doctor hopefully she will do up the referral 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story. I think you may want to consider getting your thyroid tested. Even if you already have and they told you it was “normal”, most doctors only test the tsh. So they tell women their thyroid is normal, when if they had done all the proper testing (tsh, three antibodies tests, t4 free, reverse t3, t3 free) and taken the women’s symptoms into account, they would find it to be anything but normal. We have WAY too many women suffering from postpartum issues similar to yours and thyroid disease is the hidden and often undiagnosed cause! Also, often times, endometriosis is also caused by thyroid disease. I understand how awful you must have felt for not being the mom you may have wanted to be. But, how can a mom with an undiagnosed broken leg walk properly? Hormone imbalances are no different. Also, feeling like a truck ran you over upon waking is a symptom of thyroid disease too. I hate to see you continue to struggle so I hope this information helps! Thank you for being SO real! I wonder if you had low estrogen? I understand that often causes postpartum issues. My postpartum insomnia, which I believe was a symptom of postpartum thyroid disease, caused early menopause at 28, over 20 years early because of a lack of a healthy and loving support team! When I started experiencing menopausal symptoms, I too remember feeling just like you mentioned, like there were demons in my room during the night. It was SO scary. One can’t even explain it. I’m thinking it has something to do with declining estrogen.